Friday, 26 January 2007

The Great Quorn Scandal

Each year there is a national scandal, here is my prediction for this year:

We eat a lot of Quorn, it's incredible how really meaty it is; how lovely and chickeny it is, how it has all the protein and texture of meat; but, is actually made from mushrooms. Hmm, the investigative journalist in me smells a story here.

(It's probably best if you read the next bit in the sort of voice that David Attenborough uses to watch gorillas)

I can see it now: creeping through the undergrowth on the outskirts of a heavily guarded, unmarked factory on the edges of Exmoor. Staying out of range of the CCTV cameras and dodging the regular patrols
of tough looking guards. I creep to where I can see the sheds where Quorns are factory farmed.

(You can stop the Attenborough voice now and change it the sort of voice that the chap who does the advert for the Sunday People uses, you know, hard edged and shocking.)

Yes, I said 'farmed'; that is my shocking, scandalous prediction: Quorns are small cute furry creatures genetically engineered by sick scientists to be something like a cross between a guineau pig and a rabbit.

I'll be offered a six figure sum that Jade Goody would be happy with, from the red-top rags and a banner headline; then the offer will be doubled by an anonymous muscular looking man who arrives at the door unexpectedly.
"How do you know where I live?" I ask,
"We just do, remember that" he replies.
I take the red top money, because I have morals; then, hated by the cruel executives of the collapsed Quorn empire, I go in to hiding changing my name and identity, only to resurface in an ITV special revealing my next expose (how do you get the accent thingy over the letter 'e'? It's supposed to say exposay, like the French. I suppose it's because Blogger is American and they don't like the Europeans - except the Brits, at the moment).

Anyway there it is, I think my theory explains a lot. Johnny Kingdom the Exmoor naturalist was going on about the 'Beast of Exmoor' in his TV series the other week. My theory? the beast of Exmoor (and may be the Beast of Bodmin too) is surviving by eating escaped Quorns, that's why they don't come scavenging in Devon bins. In fact I'll bet that the beasts of Bodmin and Exmoor are actually genetically engineered predators, built in a test tube to mop up the escapees and prevent us from finding the truth... until now.

Of course we don't know what a Quorn looks like, but I bet they are cute. If you would like to send me your artist's impressions we could have a gallery of the best ones.

PS: New to the Crofty's Blog - my reading list, check out what I'm currently reading by clicking the new link

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