Thursday, 21 June 2007

Extreme Aural Depillation

Your attitude to adventure in the name of progress will, in all likelihood, colour your view of what I am about to share. I am often up for a dare, even if I have to dare myself to do something, as was the case today.

I am not a vain man but everyone has limits; and my particular line in the sand is drawn around the issue of ear hair. As I mature my ears sprout white hair from within and without, left to its own devices it is, in my view, a particularly unattractive feature. Shaving ones ears is a hazardous business and provides imperfect - and
occasionally barbarous - results.

I remembered hearing an account of a visit to a Turkish barbers' shop that involved the singeing of ear hair using Surgical Spirit to moisten the ear before flambé-ing the hairs away. This seemed a perfectly logical approach when coupled with memories of a pub trick whereby the prankster would douse his (it was always a man) finger with lighter fluid and set it alight; the finger emerged uncharred the rationale being that only the fuel burned away.

With hindsight I think that both memories were of events where alcohol was a significant contributor to the occasion; that is the only way I can think of explaining the abject failure of something that was clearly so promising in theory.

Stood before the bathroom mirror I doused my ear with a generous helping of surgical spirit, struck a match and applied it gingerly to my right earlobe. There followed the anticipated flash; however, what I did not anticipate was that Sugical Spirit would be rather more slow burning than one might imagine and so the hair and my ear required a thorough batting with my hand to extinguish the merry blaze. It is a good job I was alone in the house, it took the opening of all of the upstairs windows to rid the house of the acrid smell of burning hair.

So now I have, on one ear, a bushy untreated growth of white ear hair and on the other singed remains that resemble a heather moorland after a peat fire. I shall shave my left ear tonight; my right ear is rather too tender to shave at present and I could not stand to lose any more skin from its surface.

Chastened but not discouraged I offer you, the cyber world, the gauntlet of aural depilation; what is your favourite technique? Or should I just get over it and consider myself gorgeous as seems to be the gospel according to Gok Wan on Channel 4's How to Look Good Naked.

I have chosen another one of Lisa's excellent pictures (click on her name to see more) to illustrate this post: the naked iron statue is one of a number of Antony Gormley's at Crosby beach in Lancashire. I think the picture captures the steely resolve with which I approached my depilatory disaster.


UrbanCowgirl said...

I say leave your ear hair where it is. After all, it can be a talking point.

When I was travelling in Sri Lanka I had to visit the bank, and I was in the queue behind an old guy with fully six inches of horizontal ear-hair sprouting from his lobes.

I just about held it together for the time it took him to withdraw from my line of sight.

Lisa said...

The image of you slapping yourself on the side of the head to try and put the fire out is one I wish I'd been there to take! Hope the burns heal quickly, oh and the hair doesn't, although I don't think that's an experiment you'll be repeating! :-)

Crofty said...

I once sat through a presentation of which I have only a hazy recollection of its content simply due to the diverting nature of the presenter's ear hair. I would like to think I had a diverting appearance but please, not for the comedy value of my aural fauna.

Bill Blunt said...

I am in awe at your quite alarming approach to setting ablaze your body. I must say, even with copious amounts of the red stuff inside me, I doubt anyone could persuade me to set myself alight.

May I recommend a hairdresser I visited in Bergerac recently? She patiently and delicately snipped away at my aural sproutings (unbidden, I might add) until they were nigh invisible. No extra charge for the five minutes work and, seemingly, all part of the service.

Even without a discounted Ryanair flight, the whole process could work out cheaper than a visit to a St Ann's Square Salon - and it was much more fun!

Tracey said...

Hehehehe.. Sorry but I just had to giggle at this! The thought of you madly trying to extinguish it.... lol

Seriously though. It depends on how comfortable you are about having ear hair. My partner has a problem now with nasal hair and he recently bought a device from Boots which is battery operated and shaves it for you. It can be used for ear hair as well!

It`s safe to use and works well! :)