Today was International Talk Like A Pirate Day a day of fun when we all, well, talk in the style of our favourite Corsair or vagabond of the high seas. I entered into the spirit of the thing with gusto and tried to assimilate my briny chat into our usual Saturday tasks:
Scene: Sainsburys Supermarket, Oldham
Crofty: Avast scurvy wench and have at ye shopping vessel yonder
Mrs C: ?
Crofty: Let us board and keel haul this provisioning craft for our very own use in yonder victuallers yard
Mrs C: If you think I'm going to walk round Sainsburys with talking like a prat you've got another think coming
Crofty: Hmmm, do you know why pirates are called pirates?
Mrs C: Go on amaze me...
Crofty: Because they ARRRRRRRRRRR
Mrs C: Last chance...
Crofty: Sorry, I'll clap meself in irons and walk the plank to Davey Jones locker below
Sound of hand striking bare flesh
Mrs C: What's that?
Mrs C: That, hanging from your ear..
Crofty: Oh, errr, nothing (attempts to turn his head away)
Mrs C: Come here, let me see... you're wearing an earring...
Crofty: No it's err, Avast There!..., ooops, that just slipped out, ouch!
Mrs C: You're forty six years old, you look ridiculous, you had that ear pierced when you were seventeen and a punk, not when you were forty odd and a prat!
Crofty: That's Pirate, P-I-R-A-T-E Oh, err, ARRRRRRRR....sorry....ouch!
Mrs C: Anyway, isn't that one of my earrings?
Crofty: Errr, weren't they the special bargain pair?
Mrs C: How do you mean
Crofty: Weren't they the two dollar earrings?
Mrs C: Two dollars, what are you on about?
Crofty: You know, one dollar for each ear, a Buck an Ear....gettit?... Buccaneer! ....Ouch, Ow, Ouch, Sorry, I couldn't help it
Mrs C: And you can take that bottle of rum out of the trolley too...
Crofty: ...That's grog (ducks just in time)
Mrs C: (Catches eye of equally long suffering wife of middle aged man, each tuts and raises eyebrows)
Honestly, they get to forty and start regresssing
Scurvy Wench, Sorry Woman 1: I know, I sometimes think the ones who get a tattoo and motorbike are easier
Mrs C: I wouldn't mind if he looked like Johnny Depp
Woman 1: I know (both sigh wistfully)
Fade to (pirate) black