Saturday, 19 September 2009

Least Successful 'Talk Like A Pirate' Conversation

Today was International Talk Like A Pirate Day a day of fun when we all, well, talk in the style of our favourite Corsair or vagabond of the high seas. I entered into the spirit of the thing with gusto and tried to assimilate my briny chat into our usual Saturday tasks:

Scene: Sainsburys Supermarket, Oldham

Crofty: Avast scurvy wench and have at ye shopping vessel yonder

Mrs C: ?

Crofty: Let us board and keel haul this provisioning craft for our very own use in yonder victuallers yard

Mrs C: If you think I'm going to walk round Sainsburys with talking like a prat you've got another think coming

Crofty: Hmmm, do you know why pirates are called pirates?

Mrs C: Go on amaze me...

Crofty: Because they ARRRRRRRRRRR

Mrs C: Last chance...

Crofty: Sorry, I'll clap meself in irons and walk the plank to Davey Jones locker below

Sound of hand striking bare flesh
Crofty: Ouch

Mrs C: What's that?

Crofty: What?

Mrs C: That, hanging from your ear..

Crofty: Oh, errr, nothing (attempts to turn his head away)

Mrs C: Come here, let me see... you're wearing an earring...

Crofty: No it's err, Avast There!..., ooops, that just slipped out, ouch!

Mrs C: You're forty six years old, you look ridiculous, you had that ear pierced when you were seventeen and a punk, not when you were forty odd and a prat!

Crofty: That's Pirate, P-I-R-A-T-E Oh, err, ARRRRRRRR....sorry....ouch!

Mrs C: Anyway, isn't that one of my earrings?

Crofty: Errr, weren't they the special bargain pair?

Mrs C: How do you mean

Crofty: Weren't they the two dollar earrings?

Mrs C: Two dollars, what are you on about?

Crofty: You know, one dollar for each ear, a Buck an Ear....gettit?... Buccaneer! ....Ouch, Ow, Ouch, Sorry, I couldn't help it

Mrs C: And you can take that bottle of rum out of the trolley too...

Crofty: ...That's grog (ducks just in time)

Mrs C: (Catches eye of equally long suffering wife of middle aged man, each tuts and raises eyebrows)
Honestly, they get to forty and start regresssing

Scurvy Wench, Sorry Woman 1: I know, I sometimes think the ones who get a tattoo and motorbike are easier

Mrs C: I wouldn't mind if he looked like Johnny Depp

Woman 1: I know (both sigh wistfully)

Fade to (pirate) black

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