The Fundamental Misunderstanding - A Sad Story About Sex By Crofty

"Hi Julie, you don't mind me driving while we're talking do you? Yes, of course I'm hands free. I feel such an idiot so I've just got to get home and explain to them, how it's all been a misunderstanding. It's Graham I feel sorry for, but then you know how things have been. I mean, he's just been so weird these last few months, what with his 'problem', then spending all that time in the study on the internet.

"I was happier when I thought it was porn, although of course I started worrying then that it was me that was the problem. What? Of course I know that it was him now, but you know what women are like, we blame ourselves, don't we?"

"That was how I fell upon what he was really looking at - the chemicals - if only the silly man had talked to me, instead of his stupid pig ignorant pride. He should spend sometime being a woman for God's sake, then he'd learn about pride. I mean, how many things do we women get wrong with our fannies or tits, I seemed to have spent half my life on a couch in my doctor's with my legs wide open!"

"Stop laughing, you know what I mean. Anyway, as soon as there's something wrong with their cock, they take it as an assault on their fundamental manhood and go all broody. Still, I suppose it's cheaper than a Harley Davidson. Jenny Grove's husband couldn't get it up, she let him have a Harley on a promise, and now he's getting it on with a leather clad YMCA biker boy plumber from Partington."

"I'm serious, at least Graham was trying, in his own way to get help. What? Oh yes, sorry I didn't explain that bit did I? I thought he'd become some sort of religious zealot and was buying chemicals to make a bomb. So I had a moral dilemma for all of about two minutes, then realised I was never going to be one of those strong silent women who support the cause. So I shopped him to the terrorist hot line."

"Yes, really. They were really nice, offered me somewhere to go, said they'd look after everything. Then this morning on the Today programme there was this thing about Hydrogen Sulphide and how they think it can help get a man a hard-on. Then it came flying at me and hit me slap bang in the face....stop it! You know what I mean. The poor darling was trying to make his own DIY Viagra with a schoolboy chemistry set."

"What?...Oh, very funny, you must have been waiting weeks to use that one...yes I see what you did...Ardour, only with an aitch, very funny."

"Anyway, I'm just pullling into our street now. Oh my God, they don't do things by halves do they, there's about fifteen Police cars and an ambul...oh shit, you don't think? No, of course not, they'd have an ambulance just in case. Don't suppose they can take chances if they think there's a bomb or something. Oh God, oh God...they've taped off the street, I'm parking here and running down to the house - are you OK to stay on with me? Great."

"Still there? I'm jogging down...Hang on Julie, I'm being stopped by some schoolboy in a uniform... you oaf, I live here... get your hands off me you little...."

"Julie, stay on won't you, I want you to hear all this, I'm nearly at the door...No! I live here and you have no right to...can you believe the cheek of that bastard, I hope you are getting this Julie, OK I'm in the house.... ... ... Oh...My...God..."

"Shit oh shit oh shit oh shit...Julie? There's blood ...What? No, I'm his wife, where is he?...Oh no, Graham! Graham! No!.."

"What do you mean you thought he was going to shoot you? He's never even fired a gun, let alone had one in the house. He what? Just turned around and you thought?...How could you possibly think...Oh no, you don't mean...oh no, please no."

"Where is he? Is he in here? Get off me, this is my house and my kitch...Oh God Graham...please no..."

"Thank you officer, I just never expected to see...no of course, I shouldn't have barged past like that. But couldn't they have zipped up the, what do you call it? Yes, what a horrible phrase - body bag. What do you mean it wouldn't zip up? Oh, I see."

Essential Products for an Older and Ageing Population

Occasionally we get a catalogue shoved in a magazine that comes in the post; you know the sort, it has gadgets of all types and descriptions and is usually worth a read just so you get to laugh at stuff like heated slippers or a new way of dicing vegetables. It seems that they are predominantly aimed at the ageing population, ours came in the magazine we get from the Camping and Caravanning Club.

This edition contains advertisements that lead me to suspect they are aimed rather more at caravanners of a certain age than at tough campers like us. For example there are beauties like 'Shoes so Comfortable they could be Slippers',
'Get any Matress Hygienically Clean in 30 Seconds' or what about the 'Height Adjustable Organiser Footstool' or who could resist the 'Safe and Hygienic Ear Wax Remover'. Each of these products are advertised with models who are cheerfully grey haired and look like their lives are the richer for being seen with the product.

Imagine my surprise (and delight) when I flicked over a page and, beneath a picture of a suitably mature gentleman dressed in slacks and a sweater, was 'Enhance Sexual Performance, Vigour and Vitality' and then only a couple of pages further on 'Stronger Larger Erections' with a picture of a suction powered penis enlarger - the type that Austin Powers tried to deny belonged to him - with adjacent advertisements of a hand cream to treat age spots and a shoe organiser.

If this is what getting older holds, bring it on I say! Not that I would need to resort to any of the products mentioned of course, rather that it is reassuring to think that the older person might need them as part of a vigorous and full sex life you understand. Ahem.

P.S. I fully expect about a zillion hits on this post after I've given it perfectly honest key wording.

P.P.S. If you would like to browse the on line catalogue for any of these excellent products Click Here (Confidentiality assured... but would you know if my computer had added a tracking cookie....hmmm, evil chuckle)