Monday, 30 March 2009

Crofty Takes the P*ss

Our dog is old. He remains small, cute and loveable, but is in equal measures smelly and increasingly infirm. The vet thinks he might have Cushings disease which, dissapointingly, is nothing to do with him turning into a vampire. To start the process of confirming the diagnosis he needs a urine test - our excellent vet Ian won't do a blood test until he has ruled out some of the cheaper-to-discover other things; this is one of the things I like about our vet, he won't rip you off.

On the way out of the surgery Ian hands me a small vial and cheerily says, "Just drop it off at the surgery when you've got the sample." That is all he says. He doesn't offer handy suggestions on 'piss gathering in dogs whose little todger is barely four inches from the floor.'

So, attempt number one. First thing Saturday morning I open the patio doors. Max, always eager for that blissful morning release we all enjoy, approaches the pot containing Clematis Nelly Moser. As he cocks his leg I am there ready and poised with a plastic breakfast bowl; but Max is too good for me. As I dive beneath him with the bowl he looks back startled (sorry I forgot to mention he is deaf as a post too). He stops peeing and trots on giving me a look of bafflement. There then starts a game of 'Dad chasing Max armed with a plastic breakfast bowl' around the patio - only I tire of the game fairly rapidly saying "Bollocks to it then". Of course as soon as I have uttered the fateful words, Max releases a gusing flow that must have lasted about thirty seconds, all of the time eyeing me and the bowl with suspicion.

Still, I have a plan: Max always pees on plastic carrier bags whenever he sees one on our walk. He also has a sense of humour and pees on anything placed temporarily outside to be returned indoors later - meaning I must wash it thoroughly. He particularly likes to pee on houseplants put outside for watering.

Here is the plan: I stand a house plant on a carrier bag so the pee will run onto the bag and I can tip it in the vial. Sure enough he approaches the plant and cocks his leg peeing beautifully up the side of the pot. The piss myseriously seeps away into some sort of pissy black hole - it is nowhere to be seen, let alone poured.

I sulk and wonder whether this is the sort of amusing anecdote that vets talk about, "Do you know what I told one of our clients time I'm going to tell him to tape a bag over it, that'll be worth a laugh..."

So, Saturday afternoon Mrs C and I adopt a cooperative approach. He always behaves for his mum; so Mrs C takes him on the lead to a nearby park; we take him in the car because he doesn't walk far now. She sets off walking, I lurk behind, stalking with the plastic dish. He approaches a post, lifts his little leggy and releases a stream which I catch in the plastic bowl succesfully.

We congratulate ourselves for the succesful piss collection and then look up to see anxious parents guiding their tots away from the playground apperatus nearest the fence where we were gloating over our specimin.

Anyway, by that time the vet was shut so we proudly stored our little piss-pot in the fridge next to the skimmed milk...where you could hardly tell the difference (that little aside was for anyone on a diet, like me).

So now we wait for Ian the Vet's call for the next stage.


Bill Blunt said...

I have been mulling over getting a Westie myself, Crofty. Your profound posting has led to second thoughts!

Lisa said...

It was really easy getting one from Barney tonight. . . . I just left it to MrG!

Crofty said...

Lisa you know you can't really brag when Barney is about three times the height of Max!

Bill, don't have second thoughts, Westies are brilliant - loyal, loving and sturdy little chaps, if not over gifted with intelligence... but don't forget they are terriers at heart so are full of spirit, and, like many of us, stubborn!

Oh, and don't let Lisa try and convince you to rehome a Greyhound!

Should be in Bed (aka MrG apparently ) said...

Aye Barney may be a beanpole but terrified of everything in the world, but mostly sudden movements and men in HI-Viz gear - so me in my dayglo yellow biking top leaping towards him bottle in hand went down well like a lead baloon

Not as well as our Max getting into a scrap with a Labrador puppy owners on the footy fields and me having to retrieve him and placate the new parent owners in shorts, aforementioned dayglo top, sunglasses and elbow length pink marigolds!!!!!!!!!!!

after that collecting Barneys output was a Piece of Piss

Crofty said...

Errr, why were you wearing Marigolds?...the rest of the outfit I can just about justify in my mind, but the gloves...

Lisa said...

Gloves? Would you want Greyhound piss all over your hands should the aforementioned scared beanpole decided to do a runner??

Thought not.

Dearest Mr Blunt, *ignoring Crofty*

Greyhounds are such loving creatures, a bit boney but loving non the less. They don't need much exercise, contrary to popular belief, and will be exhausted and wanting to come home after a 20 minute run round a field. And if it's raining they won't want to go out at all.
All they want is a little comfort, ok a lot of comfort, to rest their boney bodies on after being made to chase a stupid teddy round a track week in week out. What thanks do they get? Turfed out onto the streets or to an adoption centre if they're lucky. (reach for the tissues, I'm on a roll)
Doesn't one of these poor creatures deserve a loving home, like yours? Of course they do.
I rest my case.

PS Just type Greyhound rescue into Google to find your local centre.

;D xxx

70steen said...

yes skimmed milk is a only a wee step from a urine sample or chalk dissolved in water)

It is so sad when our unconditional loving family pets become old. I have two aged cats, one of whom is going down hill fast. & I still remember when my gorgeous doberman got old and caused me so much grief when he was sick.. I vowed I would never have another dog after him but now we have a hyper King Charles...

mmm yes vets tend to give that throw away line 'just bring in a urine sample'.. do they really have any idea how difficult that is with a dog (I know full well after pup had a kidney infection ... Carry on Dog Owner' sprung to mind.. she is a she and how low can you go when they squat down??)